One would think it would be easy to write about their life, to give their testimony, but as I begin to write my own testimony I struggle where to begin. Too many words can drag on, not enough words can leave holes and wonder for those reading. I will do my best to share my life from the beginning to where it is now in the hopes you, the readers, will see God’s love and grace with each word written.
I was saved at the age of six. I truly didn’t understand the importance of such a wondrous decision, but seeing all the “big” people take their walk to the altar, I knew I wanted to as well. I tugged on my daddy’s sleeve and as he bent down to hear what I had to say, I pointed to the altar and said “I want to go up there.” Looking in my eyes, he gave me permission to go. I began my walk by myself and suddenly found myself over shadowed by the adults that were standing there. I stretched my neck as far as it would go hoping our pastor would see me and reach for me. I tried my best to make my way through the crowd but to no avail I was no closer to the front of the altar and could not be seen.
Disappointed I remember looking to those around me hoping someone would see me and help me get to the front. As I continued to search the crowd, I felt two hands grab hold of me and place me in their arms, the arms of my daddy. He had been watching me to see if I could get to the front alone and when he saw I couldn’t, he reached in and picked me up! I made it to the front!! Little did my six year old mind know, but that was the best day of my life, the day I gave my heart to Jesus!!!
Fast forward and I am now a pre-teen. My parents divorced and I was now a struggling young girl. Angry my dad left us, and slowly walking away from God. Rejection had settled in my heart and no longer had believed God loved me. If my own father didn’t want me, how could a God I could not tangibly see want and love me? I became rebellious and angry at the world. Being the oldest of three, I didn’t want the responsibility of my siblings. I loathed having to help my mom by babysitting. Saying I gave her “hell” here on earth would be an understatement!! And no my attitude did not get better as I moved into high school.
I am now a “teenager” and all that entails. Life is all about me and my desires. No longer did I talk to God. My life consisted of football games, dances, parties and my boyfriend. I was too busy for God, not to mention is was not cool to speak of religion with my friends. To mention God in a conversation, you automatically became strange, off the wall and crazy in the eyes of my peers. When things in my life became too crazy I would pray in secret. I am now riding the fence, one foot in the world and the other on my bible.
Let’s move forward, I am now eighteen years old graduated from high school and getting married.
After searching for so long to be loved and several bad relationships, I am now convinced I am loved and no longer rejected. My new husband is the one to fill the hole in my heart and life. When my first child is born, God comes to my mind. I look in her eyes and realize the love of a parent is far beyond any love the world has to offer. I feel complete now. However, God is still not the center of my life. My prayers are more than before, but we still are living for the world, not God. Without God as the foundation of our marriage and our lives, this perfect world of mine crumbles. Sadly after three years of marriage and a beautiful daughter, we divorce. Once again I am out looking for “love” to fill the hole in my life, the empty spot in my heart. The “clubbing” and parties begin again.
After four years, I met my next husband. He came from a God fearing family and I just knew he was the one. Our denominations were different, but I over looked all the red flags. “Equally yoked” never came to mind as I once again marched down the aisle to say I do. He loved to dance as much as I did and said his prayers in secret as well. Perfect match right?
Wrong……..After six months the abuse started. I never once saw through my “love blinders “that he grew up in a house filled with rage and abuse. It was church on Sunday and fights through the week. Now I am praying out of fear. Even though there were those who are reaching down to pluck me out of this situation, I stayed out of fear. I was emotionally beaten and physically harmed and too scared to walk out. After three years and another child, I finally walked out, well more like ran. Once again God comes to my mind and my prayers are coming more than before. I am still looking for love, so my prayers have now become ones of begging God to give me a man to love. A good man I ask, but never once have I asked for a Godly man, a man after God’s own heart.
We will fast forward some more. I have now been single for several years (unmarried) and have moved to another state. I am now searching for God. I am in a great church and God has blessed with a wonderful church family. I am learning and receiving His instructions. Baby steps now, but I am by all accounts walking on His path. My “rejection syndrome” pops his ugly head up periodically to remind me I am alone as far as a soul mate here on earth. I watch others in church whose husbands loving pray with them, praise with them and pray for them. I am once again longing for that in my life. I still have not allowed God to completely fill that hole in my heart. I believe to be whole, I need a man. My children are happy, I have awesome friends, a great church family, involved in my community and church and yet I am still lonely.
“How can that be?” I ask the Lord. I don’t wait to hear his response, I once again take matters into my own hands and husband number three comes along. He is fun, loving and by all accounts wonderful to me and my children. He comes to church at times with us, but never on a regular base. I am ok with that after all I now have all that I wanted. But those feelings are temporal. After a few years I can see where I am growing in the Lord and want more. More than He can give. I now understand “equally yoked” and we were not. I prayed, I cried, I begged, I got angry. I yelled at the top of my lungs for God to change this man. Never mind I did not seek God in my decision or listen for His voice, but I demanded Him to fix “us”.
I could not and refuse to go through another divorce. By this point the enemy of my soul is taunting me with his words, telling me what a failure I am and how those who love me would reject me for yet another failed marriage. I would be a disgrace to my children, family and friends. I would be a disgrace to God. After six years of marriage he, my husband, filed for divorce. I believe in my heart God knew I could not do it. (There are things in life we try so hard to hold on to that God himself is removing) My husband left me and married another. I was broken, shattered and devastated beyond words. The only words that could come from my mouth when praying was one….JESUS!!
My healing process was a lengthy one. He had to go back to the root of my pain, the rejection of my Dad. From the little girl who made her way to the altar at the age of six, to the woman who had ran from the one true love in her life…..Jesus. It has been through my healing process the Lord in all his splendor has shown me who I truly am. The world will have me to believe I am a failure. But my daddy God says I am victorious in Him. Just as my earthly father raised me up in his arms so many years ago at the altar, God himself has raised me up over all the circumstances in my life. It didn’t matter if they were by my choosing or something the world threw at me, He placed His hands on me and placed me in His arms.
The Lord had me start a ministry blog in 2011 and then another one in 2012. When I asked the Lord why He would choose me to come into the ministry, He spoke to my heart and said to me…"You have a story to tell." "I do not call the equip, I equip the called!!"
My testimony is God’s grace in the midst of my running, it is God’s unfailing love when I rejected Him, His grace in my healing and it is His mercy in my down falls. It is a Father’s love that can never be replaced or taken away. It is the glory of God shinning His light in the dark places of my life.
I have made many wrong choices in life, we all do.Romans 8:28 (NIV)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
My life is nowhere near perfect. ( I am still a work in progress.) It is however, full of God’s love and grace. He never promised we wouldn’t have trials in life, He promised to never leave nor forsake us. I am living proof He stood by me through all my craziness in life. He never gave up on me and I promise, He won’t ever give up on you!!!
Forever His Daughter,