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Please Lord, NOT again........

I can't catch my breath. My heart is pounding in my chest and my knees are buckling......
"Please Lord, pleaseeee Lord"......

I am now begging him.
Sitting on my bedroom floor, rocking back and forth...........

My sobs are uncontrolled and my tears will not stop. I do not understand how or why I am having to go through this heart ache......
This unbearable,gut wrenching heartache.

My days are now filled with work, that I can't seem to focus on, my daughter's sporting events and then home to lock myself away in my bed room to shed the huge amount of tears that have been building all day.

I tell myself over and over......
This is not happening again, it can't be....
It just can't!

But it is and the reality has set in and I am now going through a divorce......
Again.................

Looking in the mirror I can see a huge "D" painted on my chest.
Across my forehead are words running like a ticker tape......
Loser, worthless, unlovable, pathetic, and disgrace.

I can literally feel my heart breaking. The pieces shattering into the empty shell of my body. 
They echo loudly as they hit their new found mark...and remind me how broken I have now become. 

Pictures hang on the walls in our home, reminding me of the family we had together.
We were a combined family....
His and mine kids.....
But never the less, we were a family and the word "stepchildren" did not exist.
Nothing but love for "our" babies...All 5 of them.

My pleading has now become a minute by minute conversation with God.
My words bounce of the walls in my bedroom and hit me in  my face.....
I am ashamed.....
I am devastated.....
I feel that I am all alone......

This,sadly, went on for months. Some days were better than others as my anger would rise and my survivor mode would kick in, other days I was just a huge pile of weepy flesh.

And then when I felt as though I couldn't take another step or cry one more tear, God steps in with all His love and grace for me, His daughter!!

He reminds me that I was never alone.
In the silence was when He was holding me as I cried.....
In the pleading He was listening to His daughter's wants.....
My tears He was placing in a jar........


Psalm 56:8

You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

He has taken all my grief and sorrows in the palm of His hand and placed them in a bottle.
He hasn't forgotten me or my pain.
He loves me unconditionally~

Then enemy will come in and have us to believe we are too far gone for God.
He will whisper his lies in our ears......
Words to tear our hearts apart.....
He will become the ticker tape flashing across your mind.

If allowed, he will tell you how unimportant you are....
He will have you to believe no one will ever want you.....
That you are a nobody.....
Unworthy to be loved.....
He will paint you to the world as a failure.....

That was the picture I saw.......
Loser x's 3 was the title I gave myself.....
Sad I know.....

But the good news....Yes there is good news.

God's word tells us different. It was through much prayer and seeking my daddy God I found out different.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ahhh My life verse!!!
One that I cling too daily......
It's been almost 4 years since my divorce and on days I catch the enemy trying to sneak in and remind me of his ticker tape.....

I remind him who I am in Christ Jesus!!!

Deuteronomy 32:10 ......... I am the apple of His eye.
Romans 8:14..........I am a child of God
2 Corinthians 5:17......I am a new creation in Christ
Galatians 3:26...............I am in Christ
Ephesians 2:10.......I am God's workmanship,created in Christ for good works
John 15:15........I am a friend of Christ
John 15:16........I am chosen and ordained by Christ to bear fruit
Colossians 3:12....I am chosen of God,holy and dearly loved
Romans 8:11........I am free from condemnation

My healing became a process, One my daddy God had to take me through.
With His balm of Gilead, my heart has been healed.
I no longer see that huge "D" on my chest. 
And when I look in the mirror, I see the daughter of the most high God.

I encourage you ladies, do not allow the enemy of your soul to place his ticker tape across your life.

Get up.....
Stand up....
Push through.....
And watch God's words and favor come over you, in you and through you!!!

It will  happen...
I am living proof~ :))

xoxoxoxo
1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written:
“What no eye has seen,
    what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[a]
    the things God has prepared for those who love him—








 

Comments

  1. Hi Stacey - you are so precious and to use your testimony, your life, to encourage others going through the same thing is awesome. God bless precious lady. I pray God's abundant blessing on you and your family and on the seeds planted here in this space.
    God bless
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tracy, You hae become such a huge support system for me and I can't thank you enough for all that you do through your sweet words and prayers!! YOu rock my friend!!
    Many hugs and blessings to you!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your words are honest and raw. And as painful as your past has been, you are being used Mightily by God. God Bless you Girl!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love this post. I know where you have been, because I been there myself. But God is faithful to us who love and trust him to always wrap us in his arm and take care of us. Love to you my friend..

    ReplyDelete
  5. Alecia, Thank you for your words of encouragement! :))

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kathy,
    I know you have and yes He his so faithful to us who love him!!!
    Much love to you my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Awesome post Stacey, thanks for your transparency in order to be a blessing to others! Thanks for sharing!

    Michell

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, very powerful, bless you dear.

    ReplyDelete

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