She Stands

There were so many times in my life I would tell the Lord, " I will surrender my life completely to you after I fix this one issue"........ That one issue became many issues...... And my surrendering became a rat race. I was convinced I had too many "issues" to come to God. I believed I needed to fix them all before approaching my daddy God. The world had me believing I was too unworthy for God and for me to surrender to Him I had to get rid of my baggage. The lies of the enemy can and will paralyze and over take ones emotions if allowed. I became paralyzed with fear and guilt from all my mistakes in life. I had fallen off the path God had for me and ran my rat race with shame. It was a long never ending circle of shame, all because I had believed I could not come as I  was to the Lord. The voice of the enemy told me...... You are not worthy to approach the throne of God..... You are too far gone...... Why would he want you???

In my struggles...... In my times of stress.... In my time of brokenness........ In my anger.... My pain..... My doubt....... What's a girl to do Lord? In the past when things were topsy turvey in my life, I had the habit of shutting down. My answers to any questions were " I'm fine" and " Nothing" .... I would hide out in my own little world I had created within myself ..... I would retreat to my own private sanctuary and shut everyone and everything out. Including my daddy God....... I didn't see myself shutting God out, but my lack of communication with Him showed otherwise..... My thinking process...... "He knows what is wrong and how to fix it, so I will just hide out under the covers until it is done."  My hiding under the covers meant that I walked through my daily life with a smile plastered on my face and spoke hollow words. My insides were broken and in pain..... And I continued to stuff

I love how God uses people and I love it and am humbled by when the Lord sometimes uses me in some small way.  I love when someone is desperate for a touch, a word, from God and... they get it.  I love when one is in church and you see how people have been touched by God. I WANT THAT TOO.. I WANT THAT... for me too.  My husband and I have been going through a very hard thing and its culminating in a court case on the 7th of February, but I have been fearful and alternating between begging the Lord to intervene before then, or begging Him to make it go away!  We have been trying to do all the right things, like reading God's word, trusting Him, speaking His word over the situation... But it is TOUGH to have faith in the face of the enemy's attempts at destruction when you have been standing for so long. And then.... WOW! The morning after a 5 1/2 hour meeting with our lawyers to prepare for the court case, the morning after being emotionally drained and emptied, I go on